“I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigated pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain.” — Audre Lorde
Yesterday, a man (who I admire greatly) told me that I should give myself some credit for doing and saying the things I do. He told that I’m not necessarily doing things out of fear; I am recognizing the fear and doing the courageous thing by overcoming it.
Sometimes everything — and I mean, everything — exhausts me. The simple act of breathing can take a lot out of me. I have so much energy, though, but I am not channeling it into any thing worthwhile. School and work are routine for me, a good routine, but I am craving more. “I’m honestly falling in love with where I am in life, and I am slowly figuring out the things I can do to utilize my potential to become great,” were words I wrote in my journal earlier this week. And it’s true! To be content with every aspect of my life is a great feeling; not doing more to reach my maximum potential isn’t. I hate feeling stuck, no matter how much is happening around me, I still feel stuck because I am not moving with the crowd. What I realized is, it’s getting progressively harder for me to Get Out when I am still coming to terms with my identity as a whole. What really exhausts me is having to explain who I am, why I am the way I am, and what it means for me.
I break down every part of my being so I can fit into different subcultures that society tells me I belong in — and it’s exhausting. Who am I? Where do I belong? Am I really like these other people?
This is me: I am proud of who I am, where I come from, and the journey I am taking to get where I want to be. To realize this is a part of my struggle and it is the key to my survival.