Seven Fuckboys I’m Not Fuckin’ With In 2015

Despite my resolutions, this was the year of fuckboys. I don’t know if something was in the water or craft beer, but they were wildin’ out in 2014. Being a young 20something, I have tried to date casually and have little expectations, which resulted in me wasting too much time on people were not at all worth it. For 2015, I am determined to never mess with the following types:

1)“I’ll call you”

He doesn’t want to be the subject of your subtweets or the reason why you updated your ‘You should message me if” section, so he’ll order a car from Uber to get you home safely. The entire time you were in contact with each other, it was through messages and texts; if he is under 28 years old, he is probably not going to call you. He might start to follow you on Twitter three to six months later though.

2) “I’m not looking for anything serious”

He introduces you to his friends because he wants you to think he can do the friends part of FWB. Sometimes he jokes about bringing you home to the family because his mom “would really appreciate you.” He tries to not make plans more than twice a week and responds with “it’s cool” when you tell him you already have plans. If you’re busy more than two times in a row, he starts to question whether or not you’re just using him for sex. He’ll mute you for a couple of weeks and come by around with, “How come you haven’t texted me?” Spoiler: he is looking for something serious but doesn’t want you to want anything serious until he is ready.

3) “I’m just really busy”

He has obligations and responsibilities that make him unavailable, which is valid, but he doesn’t expect the same of you. He’ll give you a few different days and times that he’s available, you’ll tell him which work for you then suddenly he’ll remember the event he has to attend or a friend he has to help move out of their apartment. It’s true the first or second times because not everyone is as obsessed with Google calendar as you are, however, bailing out four or five times is cause for an “I don’t think we should pursue this further” text.

4) “You’re the only one I can count on”

This one you have been seeing for the last few months. You might have dated semi-seriously for a short time in the last couple of years and recently got re-connected and decided to test the vibes out again. You have only gone out a few times but spend few hours texting every day. He talks about seeing other people but makes sure to mention you’re the only one he can count on. You don’t mind him seeing other people because you’re doing the same, however, he says he hopes you make time for him. This is an emotionally manipulative one who should be always be avoided.

5) “Oh, don’t worry, we’re open”

It says “single” instead of “seeing someone” on his OkCupid profile, or he only has Tinder and says “that’s my girlfriend but we’re in an open relationship” when you ask about the girl in his photo. He doesn’t have any photos of his partner on any social media he added you to. His relationship status is hidden on Facebook. He probably says she’s not interested in seeing other people. Time goes on and he goes from “don’t worry, we’re open” to “we’re kinda open” to “we’ve been talking about being open so I’m just testing it out.” That is when you have to tell him you’re open to never talking to him again.

6) “You’re not like other girls”

This is the one who will probably tell you that his ex “had issues” but never elaborates. He might also say you’re the only one he can count on, after not talking to you for months and coming back around with no real reason why. He knows fedoras have a bad rep so he prefers newspaper boy caps instead. He thinks Beyonce is not really a feminist. He is not to be trusted.

7) “I was waiting for you to text me first”

Most of us have that one fuckboy who will not say anything for months but every so often he’ll like your selfie on Instagram or send a drunk snap. You’ll send a “hey, how’s it going?” but he won’t respond. After five months without direct contact, he’ll follow “I was waiting for you to text me first” up with “Oh, I didn’t get those texts, I’m sorry. What’s up?”

Good luck avoiding these types of fuckboys in the upcoming year! And remember, for every dozen fuckboys, there is a halfway decent person who probably says and does all of these things but they can hold themselves accountable and shape up. Just remember to not waste your time on someone who isn’t trying to consider your feelings, you are your best mate. #NoFuckboys2k15