Someone might think making a public promise would motivate them to get things done, I guess that is not true for me. Good thing I’m not a politician.

Thankfully I am back to reading and writing regularly. I think I am in a place where I have no choice; I have to write down my feelings and thoughts, and sometimes it feels I might implode if I don’t. Most of what I have written hasn’t been good, I have no issue admitting that. So I’ve been reading more. Reading has provided some inspiration and motivation, so here are some texts I’ve read and wanted to share:

By the legacy of your gender, you’ll be doubted for your intellect, your talent, your worth. The ultimate success, your magic, your spell – how you will survive the endless attacks on your psyche and your heart – is to learn that it’s not your fault. When you feel confused, when you second-guess yourself, when you apologize for the space you take up, when you wonder if you’re “good enough”, you must understand that it isn’t your fault.

 Human beings have been asking the same kinds of questions for millenniums and this is not an error. It testifies to the fact that human being are rightly perplexed by their lives. The mistake is to believe that there is an answer to the question of life’s meaning. As Douglas Adams established quite some time ago, the answer to the question of life, the universe and everything will always be “42” or some variation of 42. Namely, it will be something really rather disappointing.

When I was younger I managed to transform myself, to be stronger and more patient, so that I could be a custodian of her dreams. Somewhere in the process of my own maturation, I realized that obfuscating my own happiness for hers would never end happily for either of us. My identity constantly shifted because of her–oscillating between the two halves of me–the one that was trying to please her and the one that was trying to live.

I have been part of a circle for many years. It is one of the most important connections of my life. One reason the circle is so powerful is that it is informed, in fact shaped by, the Grandmother Spirit. The spirit of impartiality, equality, equanimity. Of nurturing but also of fierceness. It has no use for hierarchy. Or patriarchy. Tolerates violence against itself for a while, but will sooner or later rise to defend itself. This is the spirit of the Earth itself. 

In social settings I am awkward. How can we be real with so many strangers. How can we smile and tell the truth to so many people we don’t know. Small talk makes me feel the way I do when a mosquito is buzzing around my head–irritated–and then finally unable to get any relief I just slaughter the damn thing. I slaughter the moment by saying something real. Everybody acts like I can’t see they think I am strange and out of place like some antique in a room full of modern furniture. I don’t care what they think–they are not real to me, just ghosts that have nothing to do with my life. 

Happy reading.